the third sex

A ladyboy arrived for a photoshoot a while back and proudly told me her name was Cake. I thought for a moment she was saying Kaek, which is the Thai word for Indian, and she was dusky-skinned, but no, she spelled it out. C-A-K-E.

You can’t go around calling yourself Cake! I protested. She looked at me, wide-eyed. “Why not?”

Because nobody is called Cake. She still looked at me, dumbfounded. In the end I gave up, and changed it to something a little more within the bounds of reason. Kate, I think. But I never did manage to find out why she had chosen that name.

Not long after, a ladyboy turned up and announced her name was Ballroom. Do you mean Balloon or Ballon, I asked, which is a name you sometimes find.

“No. Ballroom. Dance.”

Why Ballroom, I asked, helplessly.

“I like.”

There was no answer, so I took the pictures and changed her name to something with a little more allure.

As I have said on this page before, ladyboys often choose the oddest names for themselves. Sometimes they take the name from a famous model or singer or actress, but sometimes I think they simply like the sound of a name. I used to know a ladyboy who called herself Pop, simply because she liked the sound of the word.

But then a few weeks back I had a ladyboy turn up and announce that her name was Arse. I buried my head in my hands. Nobody on this planet is called Arse, I said.

“Wos?” she replied. Clearly, I wasn’t going to get anywhere here. I changed it to Art.

A couple of years ago I met a Dung. “It’s a real name!” she protested when I laughed. “I not make up!” How do you write it, I asked. D-O-N-G, she wrote. I changed it to Donna.

Poo is a Thai name you hear from time to time. It means crab, and is a nickname given at babyhood. The pronunciation is actually closer to “bool” but it’s not quite a b and the l sound is only just there. The word is impossible to render in written English, so it usually ends up as Poo, and whenever I find a Poo I change the name.

You will occasionally find the names Pong and Porn, both abbreviations for names such as Jurapong and Nataporn, and these I change. I once met a Lung, a name that made me feel quite queasy, and I changed the name to Lorne. Prik I changed to Pik, and Dik to Tik. Bum to Bom. Tit to Tip. Wee Wee to Weena. And so on.

It is all part and parcel of the Thai inability to absorb the English language. And it does have a certain charm, when you think about it.